Conan’s Midnight Reflections

Last week, as I was digging through the unorganized stack of papers full of unfinished story drafts, scratches, sketches and pointless doodles (all courtesy of yours truly), I’ve found this long poem I’ve written less than a year ago, so I thought why not share it?

(you can skip this if you want…)

First of all, before anything else, I have to confess that before I entered the DBSK fandom, I was a die-hard anime fan. My friends called me “the Anime Addict.” I especially became obsessed with Detective Conan, and soon discovered the wonders of fan fictions. Through fan fiction authors, I got to really understand the depth of Shinichi Kudo a.k.a Conan’s character, his pain, longings, frustrations and regrets. I found it really fun to step into the depths of his mind and see things from his point of view, and I think that is what inspired me to write this poem.

Conan/Shinichi

Ran and Shinichi

This is the picture Conan will be talking about in the poem…

Shinichi Kudo was a 17-year-old famous highly intelligent high school detective who’s got it all; rich parents, popularity, obsessed fangirls, budding career, and his best friend Ran who he’s secretly inlove with. One day, he runs across the deadly BLACK ORGANIZATION who made him take a poison to kill him. In a twisted turn of events, the poison shrunk him into a 7-year-old instead. Fearing that the organization will kill him and everyone involved with him, he adopts the kid image and hides his real identity. Now, under cover as Conan Edogaoa, kid detective, he’s on the hunt to find out and throw to jail those behind the deadly Black organization and find a cure to revert his body back to normal.

~~~~~||~~~~~

Conan’s Midnight Reflections

As I climb up the wooden stairs of your cemented house
Just right after a glass of milk to try to help me douse
the helplessness inside of  me that keeps sleep miles away,
I suddenly hear you call my name and desperately say:

“Please, Shinichi, hurry home. I just miss you too much…”
I peek inside your room and see my picture in your touch.
“I love you and I miss you and I long see your face…
Oh, hi Conan! Can’t sleep too, huh? Come here beside my place!”

Despite my said intelligence, I do not know what to say
This isn’t just a normal crime that I solve everyday.
I am not even myself in your eyes, anyway.
I am so close to you and yet so very far away.

I long to say those three sweet words I yearn to let you know.
But I can not because I’m trapped in a body I hate so.
And so I’m forced to tell you lies and hide behind a mask.
To keep you safe is my responsibility and task.

It hurts me so to see you cry about me every night,
And in the morning act so happy with a smile too bright.
You should know your eyes betray the sadness that you hide.
All I can do is stay and just be always by your side.

There are times when I get tired and want to spill the truth,
But every time I try, my tongue gets tied, my mouth won’t move.
I hate to see you hurt, but if I tell, it could get worse.
I’ll hate it more if one day I find out that you’re a corpse.

(Sigh) There you go again, crying out my name.
I am right here beside you, but so distant just the same.
I hold you tight and tell you: “Worry not, he’ll soon be back.”
The irony of leaving you and leaving me behind!

Another day, another lie. When will all these end?
I hide myself behind this mask and in the crowd I blend.
The more I stay trapped in this body, more I lose myself.
The more you wait and cry, then there I go and lie again.

I’m sick and tired of all of these, but then what can I do?
I wish these are nightmares, but then again it’s very true.
I cannot wake from reality, this is no dream at all.
You are you, but I’m not me. I’ve never felt so small.

The distant past when you and I were happy and together
Seems like a distant dream right now, so painful to remember…
I wonder what the future holds for me? For you? For us?
Will it be bright? Will it be clear? Or simply turn to dust?

Back then I beam with pride with you beside me, face to face.
You and I were best of friends, you’ve kept me in my place.
And tell you what you didn’t know, I was in love with you.
But never got to tell ’cause fate separated us two.

I am here, still in love, I wish you could just see
How glad I was when you said that you were in love with me!
But with this cursed poison flowing through my bloody veins,
I cannot tell you what I feel for fear you’ll die with me.

My over-confidence betrayed me. Arrogance as well.
Taken in what I can’t chew, I couldn’t even tell.
I should’ve minded my own business, or just called for help.
My first encounter with the Black, the only time I failed.

Look at me, Ran, look at me and tell me what you see.
A shrunken child with big eye glasses’ all that’s left of me.
Ten years of my perfect life has suddenly been erased.
It’s due to my own ignorance, so ends the happy days.

Dying would’ve been better that shrinking ten years back,
Concealing my identity and hiding from the Black,
Hurting everyone I hold so dear and close to me.
If I had died, you wouldn’t hut, and They would let you be.

Turn away, Ran, turn away. I don’t want you to see
That the litltle child with big eye glasses’ really me.
To you I am a child of seven fit to be your brother.
If you look deeper, you will see the real me, your lover…

I love you so much I could die, Ran, if you only knew
How much it kills my heart to see you cry. What should I do?
“Big sister, worry not. I know that someday he’ll come back,”
Is what I say not knowing if it’s really even true.

“Have faith, Ran,” you tell yourself, “He will come back to you.
You are right, little Conan, I know that he will too.
I do not care how long it will take, I will wait for him.
Let’s go to sleep, now,” you tell me and I see your face beam.

I feel so weak and helpless, Ran, but how you make me strong.
My mind and heart gets refreshed ’cause I know you’re never wrong.
Someday, we’ll be back together, you and me for real.
No more lies and pain, I’ll tell you how I really feel.

When I get my freedom back, there’s no doubt what I’ll do–
Swallow every pride I’ve got and go straight to you,
Tell you every lies that I’ve been keeping for so long,
And waste no time to tell you that I’ve loved you all along!

I won’t blame you if you hate me for secrets I have kept.
I’d still be here watching over you as you wake up or sleep.
I won’t stop loving you and dreaming ’bout you every night.
Even if you stop loving me, you hold my heart tight.

But if you accept me after the truth is revealed,
I swear I’ll never leave again even if I get killed.
No more tears will ever touch your rosy cheeks again.
I’ll die for your happiness, I’ll do everything I can.

If I can never go back to my old self again…
I hold you to no promises, get back your freedom then.
Love another man, you deserve better than I do.
I won’t object, though I’d be really hurt for losing you.

Torment yourself no more, my love, I deserve all that.
Close your eyes and rest tonight, while in my room I sat.
Go to sleep and hope, my love, and dream of us tonight,
For I’ll do my best to again hold you in my arms tight.

~~~~~||~~~~~

Okay, that was exhausting.

Other notes: I really like Ran’s character better that any other leading ladies in anime. She’s kind and gentle, and at the same time fierce and independent. Oh, and she’s a SCARY karate champion. She can kick bad guys’ butt in a second!

Oh, yeah!