Nothing earth-shattering, of course. Just some self-introspection that’s been long overdue.
I’ve been putting a lot of thought between the choice of creativity and discipline. Possibility or stability. It’s not a very easy choice. The logical part of me chooses discipline. Discipline for me means focusing on one thing and no other, leaving behind all the unnecessary things that will only hinder or not benefit that sole focus at all. The artistic side of me, of course, chooses creativity, but it can’t even justify itself barring the freedom of self-expression and satisfaction. Discipline is stable and flowing and set while creativity is wild and erratic and free. I can’t seem to find a firm common ground between the two.
I’m always afraid of over-complicationg things that I wonder if I’m over-simplifying instead. I like to keep things simple, but overly so would be as bad as complications. I try to look at different points of view, imagine what could be, what should be, what would be and what could’ve been. It’s not easy. What more when you consider people’s personalites. I think this is a side-effect of striving to be a writer. I can’t just have my own point of view. I have to try to understand what the other party sees and thinks. I do consider that a good thing, but sometimes it crowds my head to the point that I just blow up and say “screw it all.” It brings out my inner “mean,” so to say, and I don’t want that part of my personality out because it’s just… mean.
I digress (hah, I know how to use that word now! …I think…). Anyway, if I’m to meet this more difficult, busier semester ahead, I’d have to be set on discipline. But I haven’t been disciplined in my studies for long… or ever. Everything is rished, crammed, half-hearted and otherwise set aside for things I like to do… like writing. It’s bad practice, but it’s hard to break out of a deeply ingrained habit.