And so it begins.
Am I ready for it? Hell, no. Am I scared? Just imagining the next thirty days makes me want to bury my face in my pillow and not come up for air for a good long while.
Will I nano anyway? My pride won’t forgive me if I give up before I even begin.
The past week has been a blur of trying to outline and failing, trying to finalize the story elements I wanted to include and failing, and trying to visualize my settings and also failing. There was a lot of failing going around. The only thing I succeeded is procrastinating by way of reading fanfiction and manga in the guise of doing research, in an effort to avoid facing the paralizing fear of looming failure in this endeavour.
Outlining is harder that I thought, and I already thought before that outlining is pretty hard. I’ve been thinking about this, and really, no wonder I’ve never finished a story before, and that all the fanfiction I’ve been able to write and post in the past were all one-shots. I’ve always had trouble with getting past any of my story’s third chapter, and after some introspection, I realize now that it’s probably because I lose sight of the plot and don’t know how to get back on track. I’m probably more of a planner than the pantser I tried to be in the past. It’s probably a bit too early for me to tell since it’s only the first day, but even having the vague outline that I have right now is giving me the structure and direction that I think I need. Actually, having something as basic as coming up with a synopsis has helped me solidify where I want to go plotwise and helped me decide where to even begin. I don’t know how I’m getting to the finish line, but at least I know the general direction of where to run towards.
On a totally unrelated note, I was planning to work on my outline this weekend but was unable to because of an impromptu trip to a halloween haunted house on Saturday, and making Halloween posters that a co-worker requested for work on Sunday. On hindsight, I should have charged for them because they took practically the whole day. But then again, I wasn’t as pressured and was able to experiment with watercolors and masking fluids and sharpies. So my artist side was happy. My writer side, on the other hand, was despairing.
But I digress (hah! I haven’t used that phrase in a while… I’m still not sure I’m using it right. Oh, well).
Day one of nanowrimo actually is going well for me. So far I’ve written 2,270 words (go me!). They are 2,270 words of complete, utter crap, and speaking as someone who has only been able to write utter crap the past two years or so and deemed it acceptable, this is a new level of crap that is a little hard for me to swallow. But it’s my crap, I suppose. I imagine that if I somehow manage to finish this whole thing and get to editing, future me will be banging her head against the wall or wishing she could throttle current me for being such a wretched writer. But that’s a problem for her.
In conclusion, nano started fine and I’m hoping to keep it going.
Let’s do this.