…

I don’t even know where to start.

Barely two hours in the new year and here I am banging my head on the table.

I should be crying hysterically and cursing and praying at the same time right now. Instead, here I am, posting a blog.

There is an unpleasant sensation in my stomach, churning and as if I’ve been doused with ice cold water. I think my hands want to tremble, but they can’t because the new hasn’t sinked in yet. Maybe I’m still in denial… Still waiting for the news that no, it isn’t true. No, we’re not disbanding. No, not everything is alright yet but disbandment is the farthest thing from our minds.

It’s funny. Just yesterday I was thinking to myself, imagining Cassiopeia burning down the building and then turning to the boys and saying “Will everything be alright, now?” I know it’s not the  most noble though I’ve had had, but I can’t help it. Seeing them unhappy and separated just breaks my heart into pieces.

I know disbanding is inevitable, and part of me wants to accept that and maybe it’ll hurt less… but a larger part of me keeps saying, praying, please please don’t let it end, not now, not yet… there’re still so many things to achieve, so many memories to make, so many songs to sing, so many laughs to share, so many tears to shed, no, not now, not on these terms, please, a few years more, and when you’re all happy and satisfied and ready then we’re not going to stop you from parting ways but please not now, not yet…

Maybe I’m being selfish. But please please please not now, not yet.

Happy New Year.